The Last Bastion of Male Supremacy: Fantasy Football

I love The League. I think it might be one of my favorite shows on television. Or at least it's one of the few that has me running to Netflix to check if there's a new episode. I have decided there for that I really want to play Fantasy Football. However, whenever I ask one of my male friends to join their league, I'm usually met by a blank stare, followed by a rapid change of subjects.

Okay, I get it. I speak some Boy, and this is a clear indicator that I am not welcome in their league. Today however, my coworker was finally honest with me.

"No, you can't join. You're a girl."

Wait, really did that just happen? Did they just hang a sign outside the (Augusta) club house saying "No Girls Allowed."

Yes, yes they did.

I used to think of myself as a "Girl's Guy." I like action movies, played ice hockey, don't cringe easily, and when someone asked me where I got my nails done the other day, I just stared at them. One of my friends once described me as "the girl-iest Tom Boy you'll ever meet."

But truthfully. I am a girl. I whine. I pout. And I'll notice if I break a nail. I'll flinch when a conversation gets too dirty or explicit. I don't like when guys talk about objectifying women. While I can hold my own among a group of guys, I do it as a girl. Not as one of the boys.

I used to try and just "blend in" but I've recently realized that won't work. I am just too "girly." I know my guy friends respect me and my opinions. They do not objectify me (and if they do it's at their own peril.) I think I like it better knowing that they like me for me, even if it means, I can't play in their fantasy league. (Which is probably stupid and boring anyway.)

Visitors to NYC

Visitors to NYC always go through these phases.

1) Excitement/Exhilaration

"OMGILOVEITHERE! I could TOTALLY live here! This place is sooo great!! Wow!!"

2) Exhaustion

"There's another museum/neighborhood/store/party/play/bar?? Maybe we could just nap instead. Or like watch a movie. Can we go to the movies? Wait, movie tickets are HOW much? And there's THIS many people who also want to see this? And this movie that came out three weeks ago is SOLD out??"

3) Revulsion

"Omg, why are there people everywhere? This city is so confusing! We have to wait in line for this? Why is this bar so crowded? These drinks are so expensive!"

4) Relief

"Well, this trip has been great but it's going to be great to go home. Good luck with uh... This."

Book Review III: Amberville

Of all the books I read in the last few weeks, this one was definitely the most "out there." 

Amberville

Tun Davys

First of all, it was about stuffed animals. No really. All the characters were stuffed animals. Of course some of them I had an easier time imagining than others. A stuffed teddy bear, sure. But a crow? Or a gazelle?

This is a stuffed animal gazelle so
I guess they are a thing

I don't know, seems, improbable, but that's okay.

This collection of stuffed animals lived in a place that was broken into a variety of territories, some of the nicer than others, like any city. The author, Tim Davys, has invented an entire world inhabited by stuffing-plumped characters that run across a literally colorful cityscape. He has written other books that tale place in other places in this city.

This story was about a named Eric who is attempting to find the "death list" i.e. the list of all the animals who are going to get taken away in the red pickup truck. Or was it the green pickup truck? Anyway, the animals get taken away and delivered (as full-sized by baby animals) by a pickup truck and then live in this world that is more a less a parallel universe of our own. There are good animals and bad.

Actually, that's the entire crux of the story outside of the question of finding the Death List. What does it mean to be good? Or bad?

I enjoyed the philosophical debates of the book. To be sure there were times when questions of "What defines evil?" got to be too much for my brain and I needed to take breaks but I liked some of the debates for instance there was one good about evil (didn't mean to do that) and (and I'm paraphrasing) but basically:

Evil is only defined by the victim. There may be extenuating circumstances that excuse the perpetrator, for instance, he was beaten as a child or he is poor and needs to rob. To the victim, these circumstances don't matter. All that is important is how they experience the act, and that is to say, they are experiencing evil and there for the act is evil. 

This author also "cheats" and constantly switches POV which I allowed in this instance only because to tell the story otherwise would have been impossible. I think it could have used more extremism in the voices in order to allow for greater differentiation, not just ALL 3rd person, but hey, no one's perfect.

I don't know. I guess I would say I was entertained but I'm not rushing out to read his other books. Also I totally had a dream about a purple teddy bear that was actually a vicious killer. So, yeah...

Book Review II: Paradise Valley

I just finished the last Game of Thrones book. I now have to wait until 2015 for the next one which means that in the mean time, I will probably read just about anything that lands in my phone's Nook app. I don't know why I am so loyal to Barnes and Noble, but I am, so Nook App it is. Which means I will download whatever shows up free.

Paradise Valley

Dale Cramer

This was one of those books that you get to the end, and you are actually sad to see that it's over. I even went and looked up the sequels online. I didn't buy them though because they are $6.99 and the plot lines were unappealing.

The premise is a pioneering Amish family flees from Ohio to avoid sending their children to the local public school in Ohio. Being Amish the main character is of course a steadfast farmer who of course embodies a pure "Moral Good" unable to commit violence even when his family is threatened. His daughters are all obedient. His sons are all hardworking.

I think I sort of loved this book because it was just so calm. It was nice to descend into a world where the cares were about farming and sure there were bandits threatening the family every so often, but it still all seemed to take place within a cocoon of safety. If George R.R. Martin had his way, everyone except two daughters would have been dead by the time the rest of the families arrived in Mexico. One would probably have run off with a Mexican though. Actually, that sounds like a better story.

In all seriousness, it wasn't a bad book. It had it's genuinely enjoyable bits. Nice scenery. Gentle characters. I read it in about two days and was totally entertained most of the time. Maybe I just needed to get out of NYC.

My biggest problem was that the POV's shifted constantly and without warning. Mid chapter. This is a pretty basic writing no-no so I was kind surprised. I guess there's a reason it was a free Nook Book and not released by some big publisher.

Book Review I: The Mating

I read. A lot. I read a couple of books recently from "unknown" writers and as a writer I wanted to share them (and my thoughts.)

The Mating 

by Nicky Charles

I have a rule when it comes to downloading free Nook books. I will download pretty much anything that doesn't have a half-naked man and/or woman on the cover. This one should have. I think by about page five or maybe ten there was a sex scene, but I liked the concept of the book so I kept reading. Also in this instance I probably should have known better seeing as it was called "The Mating."

The premise is basically that a werewolf gets married to another werewolf in an arranged "Mating" and then goes off to live with his "pack" and has to adjust to life with new people but someone is trying to sabotage her new pack.

What I liked about this book was that I thought the author did some interesting things with the idea of a wolf pack. There was a lot of talk of hierarchy and alpha's, beta's, instincts, etc. I liked this a lot, this juxtaposition of ancient instincts counter balanced in a modern society. For instance when encountering another female there's a lot of talk of displays of strength and dominance to keep people in their place. It reminded me a bit of what Jean Auel did in her books. (Also filled with mis-placed sex-scenes.)

Beyond that though, the book was rather flat and elementary. I tried to imagine it without the gratuitous sex scenes and realized that the book would be about ten pages long. It had some interesting elements but honestly, not enough to carry the story. 

Also the wolf lore didn't seem particularly well researched. Yes, there were some basic fundamentals about wolves but I think you could learn a similar amount about wolf behavior reading Twilight.

There was also a very long scene, which was basically an info dump, where the main villain explains their entire "scheme." First of all, I was frustrated the main character hadn't worked out any of it on her own. I had! And I am assuming the author had as well, so I might have had a bit more respect for the heroine if she had had a conversation with the villain, rather than the villain spelling EVERYTHING out for us. It felt like something I might have written in fifth grade, not to mention the villain's constant self-flattery. It really was like a cartoon where the villain spells everything out while the good guy wriggles out of the rope/handcuffs/etc. Except in this case there was no wriggling (practically the only time in the book) and instead big strong men show up and save her. I mean, she had a broken leg, but still... 

Okay, for fem power she was *almost* a step above Bella. She at least wanted to work and not just live off her rich husband's money. 

I don't know if I hated this book. It almost wasn't terrible. I have her other books downloaded but I don't know if I'll actually read them. As I said, it had some interesting concepts, I just wish the execution had been stronger.

My Crusade

Created by http://matteart.blogspot.com/
For the couple after reading about the controversy

For anyone who randomly stumbled across this blog and doesn't know me personally, I went on a bit of a crusade this week.

Here is the story (as I posted it on Reddit):














My friend recently tried to purchase from this seller on http://www.etsy.com/shop/paledesigns. 

She requested a few modifications to the wedding album because she and her partner are two women.

She received this response: Hi XXXXX, Sorry for the late reply! After talking with my pastor and praying about the situation, I decided that I shouldn't design your guestbook for you. Please know that I did take this into much thought though. Because I am a Christian and I believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman, I feel that designing a customized guestbook for you two will be against my belief and will mean that who I am and my business supports gay marriages. I hope that you understanding. Sorry for staying in contact with you for so long and not giving you a concrete response until now."

Is this against Etsys' policies? And if it's not, then it should be.

And I started a war.

First of all, I will admit. I made a mistake. When I first posted a friend suggested that I include the girl's email address. In my quest for vengeance I did. It was a bad thing. I was told so, multiple times, and quickly saw the error of my ways and removed it.

I was asked for proof which I couldn't initially provide, but my coworker's wife chimed in and offered screen shots of the original conversation.

I want to address why I was upset about this. But first let me set one thing straight: I believe it is everyone's right to have their own beliefs. I believe lots of things other people don't believe. And I don't expect everyone to share my beliefs. I don't eat pork because it's part of my cultural beliefs, but I obviously don't expect everyone else to stop eating pork. (I hear it's delicious.)

What I don't believe is that I can condemn anyone else for eating pork. My boyfriend eats pork. My friends eat pork. They will often tell me it's delicious. But just like I will eat a steak in front of my vegetarian friends without expecting condemnation, I feel the same about their pork eating.

 I was upset that this girl would tell another person: "Because I am a Christian and I believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman, I feel that designing a customized guestbook for you two will be against my belief and will mean that who I am and my business supports gay marriages."

Many people told me that this is fair. The seller probably did not feel like she was insulting my coworker and her fiance. After all, it was her religious belief. How could that offend someone?

I however felt it was more akin to telling someone that she wouldn't design the album because modifications were requested for an interracial couple or someone requested that the man have kippah drawn on his head. 

Now, if the seller felt that way about any of the above, she could have just refused the request with a simple "no." She could have told a white lie. She could just not respond. Instead she had to give an albeit polite response the result of which was still, "I don't like what you represent, and I am going to remind you that there are people in this world who don't feel you deserve the same rights as everyone else."

Second, I didn't like that she uses another website to make another offering to the public and then when a request for her services is given, refuses based on her own religious beliefs. So I asked if Etsy had an apology. I did not (explicitly, and not implicitly once I removed the email) call for attacks on the seller. 

No, I wasn't happy but I was more looking for a response from Etsy. A change to their policies. Or at least force a seller to disclose if they won't work with certain populations. 

I also wanted to raise awareness that this was happening. 

Of course, it's the internet and effect can be unpredictable.

There were a number of attacks on the girl's facebook page. Posts warning that she wouldn't sell to homosexuals and other's that were a bit nastier. Many she erased, but the couple of times I looked, there were new ones.

Today when I went to see if things had died down (the Reddit thread has grown quiet) I found that her page had been removed. When I checked back on her Etsy site, that was gone as well.

At first, I wondered if the girl knew what was happening. Did she know that across the internet we were talking about her actions? Did she wonder who the people were who had written and how they were finding out? Did she get nasty emails? 

And more importantly, did she really deserve all of it?

I don't know. I think on the internet it is easy to pretend that our actions don't have consequences. Everything is anonymous. But the truth is what we do in public forum matters. We don't live in a vacuum. Just like I'm sure this girl never imagined what a rippling effect her polite email would have. 

I was a bully. Yes, I was fighting for a cause, but does that make my actions just? I can't be sure. 

Do I fear that I have driven her further from every supporting gay rights? Absolutely. 

I might also add that I think I only played a small part in this controversy. The story was picked up by Queerty and then the Huffington Post.

She probably could not have have predicted the results of her actions. Am I glad her Etsy store is gone? Yes, kind of. But do I feel bad knowing the pain that I helped inflict? Yes. 

The Casual Sex City

Today my internet meandering ran me across this article:
http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/04/the-real-problem-with-hooking-up-bad-sex/274543/

"The often discussed, much maligned, and occasionally defended "hookup culture" bears a name that perfectly captures the boring, lifeless, and dull sexuality that dominates the lives of too many young Americans. It is mechanical, technical, and instrumental. "Hooking up" sounds like something people in a bedroom would do with a desktop computer or DVD player, not something they would do with each others' bodies. It is a term belonging to machinery, not humanity."

First of all, I think this culture is not just occasionally defended but rather rabidly defended. It is our right to have casual, promiscuous encounters with objects of our attraction. If I want to walk into a bar and make out with a really hot guy, well, that's my decision, my choice. I am grown up! I can make grown up decisions! If I want cookies for dinner one night, I can have them. If I want to bring what'shisface who's-name-isn't-saved-in-my-phone home on the second date, I can do that too.

My question is, do we defend hookup culture because we think we should or because we actually enjoy the privilege of free reign over our bodies without the difficulties that come with the bigger "Soooo...Now what?" 

First of all, let's define hookups. I think the article has a pretty good run down:
"1) A hookup involves some form of sexual intimacy. 2) A hookup is brief—it can last a few minutes or, at the most, a few hours. 3) (This is the most important part) A hookup is intended to be purely physical in nature and involves both parties shutting down any communication or connection that might lead to emotional attachment."

The article argues that we use hookup culture to shy away from actual emotional attachment. This side of the hookup, I can appreciate. Feelings hurt. The lows are low. The drunk texts are embarrassing. Your friends can only listen to you cry about the latest broken heart for so long. 

Have a hookup instead. Safe. Unattached. Emotionless. But boring. Feelingless. And cold.

I realize that I am coming at this from a very different angle than I might have a few months ago. Entirely due to the fact that I have come to realize there is something really nice about being able to curl up in someones arms and feel totally safe and happy. And when it's right there's none of those annoying, nagging, insecurity doubts that taint so many outwardly promising starts.

And five months ago when someone pointed out that "safety" would be hot in it's own way, I laughed in their face.

I have (on occasion) celebrated my youth and freedom by "hooking up." I am not saying sex. Sure, sex, sometimes. But I had gotten over the one-night stand by the time I graduated from college. I made dates wait until after 6 or more dates. But my god. Has some of that sex been bad.

Here's the thing. Sex between two people is often bad. The more sex you have, the more likely you are to encounter bad sex. Just the other night a friend was telling me about a long-awaited hookup and the terrible sex that occurred. The final conclusion: "We just didn't fit."

First of all, if the sex is great, it probably won't happen just once. Like I said, there's a lot of bad sex out there. When you find good sex, you want to keep having it.

There is an argument that the more sex you have the more options you will have to sort through until you find good sex. But that's not really what a hookup implies. A hookup does not often lead to a long term romantic encounter.

I actually recently encountered a couple who had met online and the girl thought things were going really well. The guy had stayed with her for months as his apartment underwent repairs after Sandy. The guy meanwhile told my boyfriend that he had initially seen her as "just a hookup." We ate together at a restaurant in a newly reopened building in FiDi, the same building where his recently re-opened apartment was located. 

Two weeks later my boyfriend told me they had split. He had dumped her.

Conclusion: He had moved in w/ the hookup buddy until the literal storm blew over.

And further conclusion, I don't think hookups are a way to sort through the mire until we find a "good one."

This article argues the exact opposite. We use casual encounters to avoid real long term commitment. But why?

Okay, that's easy. Long term commitment is hard. And scary. The other night I got mad at my boyfriend. It was something minor and admittedly I was hungry and carb-deprived and probably over-reacting. My first thought was to "punish him" by jumping on a train and going back to Westchester and avoiding. I realized that this was not a legitimate solution because we were in a relationship and I had to face our issues. 

But that's just the little stuff. There's the big stuff like. "Is he the one?" "Am I really going to marry this guy and make babies?" "What if I'm wasting my time?" "What if... What if... What if..."

I can ask these questions forever. I could avoid commitment and risk bad sex. Or I could take the plunge. Open myself to hurt. And just say "Okay."

In the mean time, at least the sex is great.