The blog post that almost was.

I am a marketer. I can't help it. It's how my brain operates, it operated before I even understand that it was marketing. I dated guys who were in marketing. I called my company's marketing department almost weekly to see if they had specific materials for some new group I was trying to sell into. Now of course I understand that my ideas were actually terrible, but that's because I finally learned that marketing is more than stringing words together around a group organized by some socioeconomic determination. Okay, its also that but it's also what words, and what group

TLDR: I love marketing

 The reason I was going on about this is because after ignoring this blog for far too long, I saw there were a whole bunch of hits. Not a ton, but a couple hundred, and for something I haven't really put too much effort into, that felt pretty good. I also realized that my two most popular articles were about boys and dating. I realized that I was going to do a book review, but honestly, though I love reading, I don't really like writing about books that I've read. Most of the time I hate them or really don't think I have anything original to say. Also who am I to be criticizing? At least they wrote a damn book. Grrr...

TLDR: This blog will not be about books. I think I wrote a blog post about that once. Or I did and deleted it. Or I just dreamed doing it? I TLDR'd my TLDR...

Moral: I will write more about boys and clothes. Things I like anyway.

Oh wait, I'm in a relationship and I just moved to a super expensive apartment in BK and can't afford to blow a few hundred every month on clothing anymore. Sad. Maybe I will just write about books...


PS I'm now 28. Ouch.

Prince Charming is probably not hiding under a rock

I recently ran into a girl, 32, cute, petite, brunette, good dresser, good job. She wasn't particularly interesting but she was nice and had a sense of humor. A friend had connected us by saying: "Becca, this girl needs help. You should fix her. Or at least find out what her problem is."

Her "problem" is that she's single. And there is nothing wrong with being single. Unless you don't want to be single.

I am not a licensed therapist. And have had plenty of misadventures when it comes to members of the opposite sex but I suppose compared to this girl, I was a success story, so I agreed to drinks.

Also I like fixing things. Or at least trying. I figured out what her problem was almost immediately.

I have a lot of guy friends, and they are all constantly asking me to hook them up with cute girls. When I meet a cute girl who I think has potential, I immediately start going through the mental Rolodex for possible matches.

"What kind of guy do you like?" I ask her.
"Oh, I don't know, I'm open minded."
"Open minded?"
"Yeah, I'll give anyone a chance."
"Wait, you are 32 and don't know what kind of guys you like?"
"Well, if you don't give everyone a chance, how do you know if you're not missing someone?"

Okay, I know what some of you are thinking. "Good for her! Way to keep an open mind! She's right! You could miss the man of your dreams if you're not turning over all stones!"

No.

No. No. No. No.

Turning over ALL the stones takes time. It is exhausting. And you are you going to go on a lot of awful miserable dates that will turn you against men. And you will either give up and run back to your parents house. Or you will settle with someone who is totally beneath you.

If you were riding a bike and did the same thing over and over, and kept falling off and hurting yourself, you wouldn't keep riding the bike. But when we want to get good at something, we learn from our mistakes.

The truth is, you have to have standards. And you have to know what you like. You have to know where you are willing to compromise (and yes there are those who are unwilling to compromise and that is almost worse than being too open to anything.)

It can be hard and scary at first to say No. I used to never say no. I would go on a date with anyone. This was a bad idea. Many bad dates. A few crazy stalkers. Etc.

I also had a problem where I couldn't say no after the first 2-3 dates, even if I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere. I've been told I'm easy to talk to. I know a little bit about a lot of different subjects and over drinks can keep a conversation going for a long time. I don't mean to brag, but this is just what happens.

Which means I have had many many 1-2 month long relationships. Even though by date two I know better, I let it drag on until eventually the guy dumps me because by then we both know this isn't going to work. Iften I have totally withdrawn or I self-destruct and blast the relationship to smithereens. Or occasionally, I have worked up the nerve to call the guy and end things professionally, like a grownup.

All of this time though might have been wasted if I continued to make the same mistakes. But I like to think that over time I learned.

This summer a guy approached me and asked me out. I told him no.

I told him: "I can tell you right now, this isn't going to work. We'll go on like 5-6 dates and then we will know it's not right and break up and it will be a total waste of time."
"I never go on date #2," he said.

...I took this is as a challenge.

We went on five dates. Maybe six. Then he was slow to return my texts. Didn't ask to hang out. Not one to leave things hanging I called him. I knew it wasn't working. He talked too much. Was too argumentative. And the chemistry was warm but nothing sizzled. I'm sure he had his own problems with me as well.

"I was right. I told you this would happen."
"You were right."

Okay, maybe I called just to hear those words.

Aside from the enjoyment of being right, I also took this as confirmation that finally, I had figured out what worked for me and what didn't.

I am not saying this wasn't the last mistake I made. But it was close. I realized that if by the third date I wasn't happy with the guy, I could just say no to the next. I didn't have to give my number to everyone that asked. And that if I gave my number to someone it didn't mean I had to go on a date with them.

I stopped looking under every rock and started to only look for the things that I knew I liked. I knew my deal breakers (must have ambition) and my compromises (doesn't have to be Jewish.) And I found someone. And it just works.

The Casual Sex City

Today my internet meandering ran me across this article:
http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/04/the-real-problem-with-hooking-up-bad-sex/274543/

"The often discussed, much maligned, and occasionally defended "hookup culture" bears a name that perfectly captures the boring, lifeless, and dull sexuality that dominates the lives of too many young Americans. It is mechanical, technical, and instrumental. "Hooking up" sounds like something people in a bedroom would do with a desktop computer or DVD player, not something they would do with each others' bodies. It is a term belonging to machinery, not humanity."

First of all, I think this culture is not just occasionally defended but rather rabidly defended. It is our right to have casual, promiscuous encounters with objects of our attraction. If I want to walk into a bar and make out with a really hot guy, well, that's my decision, my choice. I am grown up! I can make grown up decisions! If I want cookies for dinner one night, I can have them. If I want to bring what'shisface who's-name-isn't-saved-in-my-phone home on the second date, I can do that too.

My question is, do we defend hookup culture because we think we should or because we actually enjoy the privilege of free reign over our bodies without the difficulties that come with the bigger "Soooo...Now what?" 

First of all, let's define hookups. I think the article has a pretty good run down:
"1) A hookup involves some form of sexual intimacy. 2) A hookup is brief—it can last a few minutes or, at the most, a few hours. 3) (This is the most important part) A hookup is intended to be purely physical in nature and involves both parties shutting down any communication or connection that might lead to emotional attachment."

The article argues that we use hookup culture to shy away from actual emotional attachment. This side of the hookup, I can appreciate. Feelings hurt. The lows are low. The drunk texts are embarrassing. Your friends can only listen to you cry about the latest broken heart for so long. 

Have a hookup instead. Safe. Unattached. Emotionless. But boring. Feelingless. And cold.

I realize that I am coming at this from a very different angle than I might have a few months ago. Entirely due to the fact that I have come to realize there is something really nice about being able to curl up in someones arms and feel totally safe and happy. And when it's right there's none of those annoying, nagging, insecurity doubts that taint so many outwardly promising starts.

And five months ago when someone pointed out that "safety" would be hot in it's own way, I laughed in their face.

I have (on occasion) celebrated my youth and freedom by "hooking up." I am not saying sex. Sure, sex, sometimes. But I had gotten over the one-night stand by the time I graduated from college. I made dates wait until after 6 or more dates. But my god. Has some of that sex been bad.

Here's the thing. Sex between two people is often bad. The more sex you have, the more likely you are to encounter bad sex. Just the other night a friend was telling me about a long-awaited hookup and the terrible sex that occurred. The final conclusion: "We just didn't fit."

First of all, if the sex is great, it probably won't happen just once. Like I said, there's a lot of bad sex out there. When you find good sex, you want to keep having it.

There is an argument that the more sex you have the more options you will have to sort through until you find good sex. But that's not really what a hookup implies. A hookup does not often lead to a long term romantic encounter.

I actually recently encountered a couple who had met online and the girl thought things were going really well. The guy had stayed with her for months as his apartment underwent repairs after Sandy. The guy meanwhile told my boyfriend that he had initially seen her as "just a hookup." We ate together at a restaurant in a newly reopened building in FiDi, the same building where his recently re-opened apartment was located. 

Two weeks later my boyfriend told me they had split. He had dumped her.

Conclusion: He had moved in w/ the hookup buddy until the literal storm blew over.

And further conclusion, I don't think hookups are a way to sort through the mire until we find a "good one."

This article argues the exact opposite. We use casual encounters to avoid real long term commitment. But why?

Okay, that's easy. Long term commitment is hard. And scary. The other night I got mad at my boyfriend. It was something minor and admittedly I was hungry and carb-deprived and probably over-reacting. My first thought was to "punish him" by jumping on a train and going back to Westchester and avoiding. I realized that this was not a legitimate solution because we were in a relationship and I had to face our issues. 

But that's just the little stuff. There's the big stuff like. "Is he the one?" "Am I really going to marry this guy and make babies?" "What if I'm wasting my time?" "What if... What if... What if..."

I can ask these questions forever. I could avoid commitment and risk bad sex. Or I could take the plunge. Open myself to hurt. And just say "Okay."

In the mean time, at least the sex is great.

Refinery29, one of my go-to blogs, just posted possibly the worst article on "Eligible Bachelors in NYC" that I have ever read.

Let me preface this by saying that dating in NYC is hard. I can only speak from from heteronormative female perspective but I've never heard anyone, gay, straight, male or female, say "Oh yeah, dating in NYC and then finding someone serious is REALLY easy."
I dated for two years. I can't count how many dates I went on, First Dates, Third Dates, Bad Dates, Great Dates. I've had my heart broken, and I may have broken a heart or two.

After two years I met someone truly fantastic and I'm really happy, but it was A LOT of work. Seriously, for awhile it was like having a part time job. A 10+ hr a week commitment. And honestly, I was much more into dating than I was into having a boyfriend.

Dating is easy. Everyone goes on dates. Everyone is looking for a date. Key word: Date. Reading through this article reminded me of exactly why dating is so impossible. I've pulled some of my favorite quotes and then offered my own translations.


Name: TJ Allers
Age: 32
Location: New York
Job Title: Public Relations Director
Sexual Preference: Heartbeat

"I am spontaneous, sometimes to a fault, I avoid drama, and I like to keep things simple…nothing worse than overcomplicating."

Translation: I am always late. Always. And don't point it out, because that will be drama. Also, I'm not really sure I'm looking for a "relationship" because that sounds like making a plan. I don't like those. How can I spontaneously check out another person w/ a heart beat if you're watching me??

Name: David Yarus
Age: 26
Location: NYC
Job Title: General Manager, Mr Youth
Sexual Preference: Ladies

What do you look for in a significant other?

"A partner-in-crime. A best friend. Someone who's doing her thing and supports me doing mine. Someone to share and explore the world with. Someone who appreciates the beauty in everything. Is easy-going. Laid-back. And, can make any situation into a good time."

Uhmm, did you copy and paste this out of your JDate profile?


What are three things a potential significant other should know about you?

"-I'm a hopeless romantic. Really.
-I don't play games. And, I don't like people who do!
-I keep kosher and observe shabbat. #Jewish."

Wait, is that a hashtag. Did you really have to Hashtag Jewish? #NoJustNo

Also anyone who says they don't play games is lying.

What's the biggest problem with dating in NYC?

"I'm all about quality over quantity. Living in the city, you can go on a date every night. But at the end of the day, it only takes one. The most beautiful, down-to-earth, all around awesome one. Like a needle in a haystack, in a city so big, where is she?"

Translation: I will never be satisfied. No matter how great you are, I believe there is probably someone better. Being in this article hasn't helped either, because now my ego will be totally out of control huge.

Name: Nary Manivong
Age: 30
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Job Title: Fashion Designer for my brand, Nary Manivong
Sexual preference: Girls, Girls, Girls

Disclaimer: I thought this guy was pretty cool. Like, maybe you could actually date him? Then I kept reading.

What's the biggest problem with dating in NYC?

"The biggest problem with dating in NYC is that people aren’t looking to settle down. Everyone puts their career first in order to be successful. NYC has a different standard when it comes to dating, a very high standard. I grew up in Ohio so it took some getting used to. Plus there is too much eye candy here!"

Translation: There's a lot of eye candy. 'Nuff said

I could keep going, but honestly, I think I've made my point and I'm just depressing myself.

So I will end with this(my favorite):

Name: Kyle Hotchkiss Carone
Age: 26
Job Title: Partner at Cole's Greenwich Village and Co-Founder of Host Committee

What do you look for in a significant other? "Long hair, an accent, narcissism."

I don't even know where to begin. Well, long hair. Okay. Sure. 

An accent? Do you mean like Long Island or were you thinking like British? And if British, London or country? So many questions. Either way, I don't have an accent so I guess despite my long hair we won't date. 

Oh wait, was that last quality again. Narcissism? So you want a girl who stares at herself so long in a mirror that she starves herself. Hmm, you know, I bet that does exist somewhere in NYC. It is NYC after all.

So when you meet this long-haired British waif, where will you take her on a date?

"I don't really go on dates. But if I did I would go to the bar at my restaurant, The Bottle Room at Cole's...it's a separate space off the dining room that is just detached enough that you don't feel like you are on a date. It's a place to 'grab drinks'. If it's not going well that can be one drink, if it is going well our maitre'd will read between the lines and offer you a table in the dining room to keep the night going."

Let me get this straight. You are going to take the date to you restaurant. Wait, don't you work there? Yes?  And you and the maitre'd have some secret code where he knows if you want a table or not? Well, that's weird.
Basically what you're telling me is that you're so cheap you will take me to a place where you eat and drink free, where I will feel incredibly uncomfortable because you know everyone and I know I am being judged from all angles. 

Well, that sounds like a GREAT date. So as long as you and I are enjoying each other's company so very much, what should I not talk about.

What are your biggest turn-on/offs?

"Talking about relationships."

...After free drinks you're just going to lead me back to your apartment and try to take my clothes off, aren't you? Quick question, will you at least pay for my cab home? No? It's 'cause I don't have an accent, isn't it?