So go somewhere else! (Please?)

Tonight's internet surfing led me to this article = InstaOutrage

Really, you are going to ask other people to pay for you to move to NYC? And what are you going to do once you get here? Oh, that's right, realize it's not going to work and leave

(Or move in with your boyfriend)

 After college I wanted to come to NYC, all my friends moved her instantly. They got jobs or went to (more) school and they lived here. They constantly asked me: "Why don't you live here?"
Simple truth: I couldn't afford it, so I didn't do it. I waited.

When I was looking for jobs (and getting close) my lease in White Plains ran out. I had two options, move to NYC then and there, rough it out with a low salary and a dreadful commute and no money in bank account or wait until I actually got the job.

I got my midtown marketing job weeks after the lease signed. I could have broken it. I probably could have found other people to take over my lease but I had a great friend who let me stay frequently and then met my boyfriend and spent an unreasonable amount of time at his place (insert angry roommates here.)

Then, I had had my NYC job for a year. And it was time. I found a great apartment. I pay a lot of money every month, and it sucks, but I don't have to worry about whether or not I'm going to be able to afford the next rent check. Do I get to write? Create? Be? Sure. Sometimes. Not exactly full time. But I get vacation days. If I want to be productive and "vision" with that time then, I can do that. I might go drinking with friends instead...

But that's just it. It's easy to have a dream. Living a dream, isn't easy.

I like my life. I finally have everything I want (Okay, not those awesome Stuart Weitzman riding boots I saw on HauteLook the other day) But I worked for it. Really hard. I slaved at a miserable job for two years (at one point I made $10 an hour). I worked a second job: opening a gym at 4:30am. Okay, so I was also going through a breakup and working 4:30am - 5pm seemed like a good idea at the time.

Look, don't get me wrong. In a lot of ways, I'm a spoiled brat. I don't have college debt. My only credit card is that one time when I was 18 and got my first card at Victoria Secret and didn't realize that I had to actually pay it (I thought it would magically deduct from my bank account) but on my own salary I can afford NYC.

I have to be careful. My rent is high but my place is great- for the first time i my non-living-with-parents life, I don't share a bathroom (I have my own half bath) and there's laundry in my building. It's awesome! But I do try and be good about how much money I spend on things (Seamless anyone?)

Life here in NYC can suck. It's lonely, crowded, dirty. aggressive, heartbreaking, and maybe a little soulless. You have to fight for every inch. Is it an amazing battle? Absolutely. Is it worth it?
I don't know. How do you feel about closet space?

My point is, if you can't afford to live in one of the five boroughs. Go somewhere else. Please. I hear NJ is cheap.

Visitors to NYC

Visitors to NYC always go through these phases.

1) Excitement/Exhilaration

"OMGILOVEITHERE! I could TOTALLY live here! This place is sooo great!! Wow!!"

2) Exhaustion

"There's another museum/neighborhood/store/party/play/bar?? Maybe we could just nap instead. Or like watch a movie. Can we go to the movies? Wait, movie tickets are HOW much? And there's THIS many people who also want to see this? And this movie that came out three weeks ago is SOLD out??"

3) Revulsion

"Omg, why are there people everywhere? This city is so confusing! We have to wait in line for this? Why is this bar so crowded? These drinks are so expensive!"

4) Relief

"Well, this trip has been great but it's going to be great to go home. Good luck with uh... This."

The Casual Sex City

Today my internet meandering ran me across this article:
http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/04/the-real-problem-with-hooking-up-bad-sex/274543/

"The often discussed, much maligned, and occasionally defended "hookup culture" bears a name that perfectly captures the boring, lifeless, and dull sexuality that dominates the lives of too many young Americans. It is mechanical, technical, and instrumental. "Hooking up" sounds like something people in a bedroom would do with a desktop computer or DVD player, not something they would do with each others' bodies. It is a term belonging to machinery, not humanity."

First of all, I think this culture is not just occasionally defended but rather rabidly defended. It is our right to have casual, promiscuous encounters with objects of our attraction. If I want to walk into a bar and make out with a really hot guy, well, that's my decision, my choice. I am grown up! I can make grown up decisions! If I want cookies for dinner one night, I can have them. If I want to bring what'shisface who's-name-isn't-saved-in-my-phone home on the second date, I can do that too.

My question is, do we defend hookup culture because we think we should or because we actually enjoy the privilege of free reign over our bodies without the difficulties that come with the bigger "Soooo...Now what?" 

First of all, let's define hookups. I think the article has a pretty good run down:
"1) A hookup involves some form of sexual intimacy. 2) A hookup is brief—it can last a few minutes or, at the most, a few hours. 3) (This is the most important part) A hookup is intended to be purely physical in nature and involves both parties shutting down any communication or connection that might lead to emotional attachment."

The article argues that we use hookup culture to shy away from actual emotional attachment. This side of the hookup, I can appreciate. Feelings hurt. The lows are low. The drunk texts are embarrassing. Your friends can only listen to you cry about the latest broken heart for so long. 

Have a hookup instead. Safe. Unattached. Emotionless. But boring. Feelingless. And cold.

I realize that I am coming at this from a very different angle than I might have a few months ago. Entirely due to the fact that I have come to realize there is something really nice about being able to curl up in someones arms and feel totally safe and happy. And when it's right there's none of those annoying, nagging, insecurity doubts that taint so many outwardly promising starts.

And five months ago when someone pointed out that "safety" would be hot in it's own way, I laughed in their face.

I have (on occasion) celebrated my youth and freedom by "hooking up." I am not saying sex. Sure, sex, sometimes. But I had gotten over the one-night stand by the time I graduated from college. I made dates wait until after 6 or more dates. But my god. Has some of that sex been bad.

Here's the thing. Sex between two people is often bad. The more sex you have, the more likely you are to encounter bad sex. Just the other night a friend was telling me about a long-awaited hookup and the terrible sex that occurred. The final conclusion: "We just didn't fit."

First of all, if the sex is great, it probably won't happen just once. Like I said, there's a lot of bad sex out there. When you find good sex, you want to keep having it.

There is an argument that the more sex you have the more options you will have to sort through until you find good sex. But that's not really what a hookup implies. A hookup does not often lead to a long term romantic encounter.

I actually recently encountered a couple who had met online and the girl thought things were going really well. The guy had stayed with her for months as his apartment underwent repairs after Sandy. The guy meanwhile told my boyfriend that he had initially seen her as "just a hookup." We ate together at a restaurant in a newly reopened building in FiDi, the same building where his recently re-opened apartment was located. 

Two weeks later my boyfriend told me they had split. He had dumped her.

Conclusion: He had moved in w/ the hookup buddy until the literal storm blew over.

And further conclusion, I don't think hookups are a way to sort through the mire until we find a "good one."

This article argues the exact opposite. We use casual encounters to avoid real long term commitment. But why?

Okay, that's easy. Long term commitment is hard. And scary. The other night I got mad at my boyfriend. It was something minor and admittedly I was hungry and carb-deprived and probably over-reacting. My first thought was to "punish him" by jumping on a train and going back to Westchester and avoiding. I realized that this was not a legitimate solution because we were in a relationship and I had to face our issues. 

But that's just the little stuff. There's the big stuff like. "Is he the one?" "Am I really going to marry this guy and make babies?" "What if I'm wasting my time?" "What if... What if... What if..."

I can ask these questions forever. I could avoid commitment and risk bad sex. Or I could take the plunge. Open myself to hurt. And just say "Okay."

In the mean time, at least the sex is great.

Refinery29, one of my go-to blogs, just posted possibly the worst article on "Eligible Bachelors in NYC" that I have ever read.

Let me preface this by saying that dating in NYC is hard. I can only speak from from heteronormative female perspective but I've never heard anyone, gay, straight, male or female, say "Oh yeah, dating in NYC and then finding someone serious is REALLY easy."
I dated for two years. I can't count how many dates I went on, First Dates, Third Dates, Bad Dates, Great Dates. I've had my heart broken, and I may have broken a heart or two.

After two years I met someone truly fantastic and I'm really happy, but it was A LOT of work. Seriously, for awhile it was like having a part time job. A 10+ hr a week commitment. And honestly, I was much more into dating than I was into having a boyfriend.

Dating is easy. Everyone goes on dates. Everyone is looking for a date. Key word: Date. Reading through this article reminded me of exactly why dating is so impossible. I've pulled some of my favorite quotes and then offered my own translations.


Name: TJ Allers
Age: 32
Location: New York
Job Title: Public Relations Director
Sexual Preference: Heartbeat

"I am spontaneous, sometimes to a fault, I avoid drama, and I like to keep things simple…nothing worse than overcomplicating."

Translation: I am always late. Always. And don't point it out, because that will be drama. Also, I'm not really sure I'm looking for a "relationship" because that sounds like making a plan. I don't like those. How can I spontaneously check out another person w/ a heart beat if you're watching me??

Name: David Yarus
Age: 26
Location: NYC
Job Title: General Manager, Mr Youth
Sexual Preference: Ladies

What do you look for in a significant other?

"A partner-in-crime. A best friend. Someone who's doing her thing and supports me doing mine. Someone to share and explore the world with. Someone who appreciates the beauty in everything. Is easy-going. Laid-back. And, can make any situation into a good time."

Uhmm, did you copy and paste this out of your JDate profile?


What are three things a potential significant other should know about you?

"-I'm a hopeless romantic. Really.
-I don't play games. And, I don't like people who do!
-I keep kosher and observe shabbat. #Jewish."

Wait, is that a hashtag. Did you really have to Hashtag Jewish? #NoJustNo

Also anyone who says they don't play games is lying.

What's the biggest problem with dating in NYC?

"I'm all about quality over quantity. Living in the city, you can go on a date every night. But at the end of the day, it only takes one. The most beautiful, down-to-earth, all around awesome one. Like a needle in a haystack, in a city so big, where is she?"

Translation: I will never be satisfied. No matter how great you are, I believe there is probably someone better. Being in this article hasn't helped either, because now my ego will be totally out of control huge.

Name: Nary Manivong
Age: 30
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Job Title: Fashion Designer for my brand, Nary Manivong
Sexual preference: Girls, Girls, Girls

Disclaimer: I thought this guy was pretty cool. Like, maybe you could actually date him? Then I kept reading.

What's the biggest problem with dating in NYC?

"The biggest problem with dating in NYC is that people aren’t looking to settle down. Everyone puts their career first in order to be successful. NYC has a different standard when it comes to dating, a very high standard. I grew up in Ohio so it took some getting used to. Plus there is too much eye candy here!"

Translation: There's a lot of eye candy. 'Nuff said

I could keep going, but honestly, I think I've made my point and I'm just depressing myself.

So I will end with this(my favorite):

Name: Kyle Hotchkiss Carone
Age: 26
Job Title: Partner at Cole's Greenwich Village and Co-Founder of Host Committee

What do you look for in a significant other? "Long hair, an accent, narcissism."

I don't even know where to begin. Well, long hair. Okay. Sure. 

An accent? Do you mean like Long Island or were you thinking like British? And if British, London or country? So many questions. Either way, I don't have an accent so I guess despite my long hair we won't date. 

Oh wait, was that last quality again. Narcissism? So you want a girl who stares at herself so long in a mirror that she starves herself. Hmm, you know, I bet that does exist somewhere in NYC. It is NYC after all.

So when you meet this long-haired British waif, where will you take her on a date?

"I don't really go on dates. But if I did I would go to the bar at my restaurant, The Bottle Room at Cole's...it's a separate space off the dining room that is just detached enough that you don't feel like you are on a date. It's a place to 'grab drinks'. If it's not going well that can be one drink, if it is going well our maitre'd will read between the lines and offer you a table in the dining room to keep the night going."

Let me get this straight. You are going to take the date to you restaurant. Wait, don't you work there? Yes?  And you and the maitre'd have some secret code where he knows if you want a table or not? Well, that's weird.
Basically what you're telling me is that you're so cheap you will take me to a place where you eat and drink free, where I will feel incredibly uncomfortable because you know everyone and I know I am being judged from all angles. 

Well, that sounds like a GREAT date. So as long as you and I are enjoying each other's company so very much, what should I not talk about.

What are your biggest turn-on/offs?

"Talking about relationships."

...After free drinks you're just going to lead me back to your apartment and try to take my clothes off, aren't you? Quick question, will you at least pay for my cab home? No? It's 'cause I don't have an accent, isn't it?

The Every Girl's Guide to Clubbing in NYC

I have been going to "Clubs" in NYC since I was about 17. I had a friend who was (and remains) actively involved in the "scene" and he would take me to various events through college. I remember the first time I went without him and I was shocked that asking for ID's was actually thing. Luckily I was 21 by then, but before that I had no idea why people talked about fakes like it was such a big deal.

 These days I have a friend who likes to go clubbing and so I will go with her. I am too old(27), too short(5'8), and too fat(I weigh more than 120 lbs), for that other friends current crop of women. And no, I don't have a problem with my body. I think I look far better at 27 then I did at 21 but the fact remains that while I could pass for 24/25, I am not 22 anymore. Also, I don't want to be one of those "girls." "Going out" in NYC is not an adventure to be undertaken lightly.

On Sex and the City the women always managed to get into the hottest bars and clubs without issue and once inside they would be surrounded by only the most beautiful people in the city, all in their late 20's to 30's.

It's not like that.

First of all, "the hottest clubs" won't take girls/women over 25. Even a group of women. Miranda? No way. And Samantha? She'd be more twice the age of any other girl there. Possibly even three times as old as some of the younger attendees. Yes, there are 15 yr old models roaming the floor. That's not saying "it's impossible" to get into these places. There are shortcuts. Befriend promoters and doormen. Go early. Have a group of friends go in on a bottle or a table- make sure the ratios are at least 3:1 girls over boys. Make sure the girls are "hot."

Hot= Tall (5'7+ and wearing 3"+ of heel), pretty (or at least caked heavily in makeup), thin or curvy (thin preferred). That's not to say all girls look like this. If they're attached to a table or are friends w/ a promoter, or they pay the cover, then they can get in.

Guys: Doesn't matter as long as they're paying(a lot.)

If you're a girl and you don't fill the above "Hot" requirements, you can get in, just expect to pay guy prices. What? This sounds like a horrible, cruel, self-aggrandized system? It is!

Clubbing sucks. Oh, did I forget to mention that part? Yeah, clubbing really, truly sucks. I should know, I've done it enough. I've done it at high end places, and I've been where everyone and anyone can get in. I've waited in line and I've been walked in by the owner. I realize that saying it sucks followed by pointing out how often I've done it, doesn't exactly lend weight to my cause that I hate it, but that's not really the point.

There is some measure of thrill and excitement about going clubbing. There's the fight to get in. Well, battle. To be fought with coy looks and credit cards. Find the right person at the door, and you won't pay a dime. Piss off the wrong person, and you will wait for hours in the cold (in very high heels and a short skirt.) Okay, the latter hasn't actually happened to me because I refuse to wait and will just go somewhere else. It's NYC, there is always some place where loud music is playing and over-priced drinks are being served, where you can get in.

Then there is the fun that takes place inside. My favorite game to play is: Don't buy self any drinks. If you're dressed right and look the part, there will be multiple offers of tables where drinks will be liberally poured. Oh, and just a word to the wise. Watch the drink get poured. Unless you know and trust the person, don't just take some drink that gets handed to you. I find a well stocked table to be your best option for getting drinks because the pours will be liberal and the line to the bottle is a lot shorter than at the bar.

The downside to taking a drink from a table is that then a man may feel that he has partial ownership of you. For at least the evening. I feel that a drink is worth a conversation. Not more. Especially if drinks run dry at the table. Then move on. Most of the time, these guys aren't looking for a date. Or a real girl. At least not at a club. If they're any type of quality they don't want to date some girl they met at a club. Never mind if you are a fantastic human being, they will assume the worst about you, just as you will assume the worst about them. Disclaimer: I have dated one guy I met at a club. And he was a really nice guy, but our relationship definitely kicked off under false pretenses and never recovered.

About this ownership thing. I know too many girls who will then stick by the guy because of the one drink. No. It's okay. You can walk away. Unless you really like the guy. Or think he's really cute. Or really want to hook up with him that night. Otherwise, walk away. If you stick around too long, you are actually doing yourself more harm than good.

How? Well, if you're not planning on going home with him that night, you are now officially a cock block. And the guy hasn't bought you dinner yet, which means that unless you want to piss him off (maybe his ex offered you $200 to make sure he goes home alone) take your drink and go. By all means, exchange numbers. Make out a bit if the mood moves you. But otherwise, move along. He'll appreciate what you're doing. Because trust me, he hasn't dropped $1000+ to flirt a bit. And if he's a serious club rat, then he's really not interested in a new table fixture.

There are two types of tables at clubs. The regulars and the "Guy's Night Out." Oh, there are girl's nights out too, but stay away from those unless you want a cat fight. Seriously, save your hair extensions from pulling, and stay away.

Guy's night out: 

These guys look out of place. They have way more dudes than girls. There will be one who's in charge. The Night Out was probably his idea. Often times it's hedge funders or tech guys, they made a bunch of money and are looking to blow it. There are either a couple of girls or no girls at their tables. If there are girls, they are probably way underdressed and staring around uncomfortably. Their boyfriend/husband invited them and now he is talking to his coworkers and completely ignoring her and she feels weird, awkward, and way way underdressed. And she is worried that her boyfriend is checking out every scantily clad woman that comes within five feet of their table.

Who to talk to: Not the guy being celebrated. He'll be wasted. Not the guy who's in charge. He's in major Alpha dog mode and is way to distracted making sure his boys have a good time to pay attention to you. Look for the guy on the fringes. He's probably talking to a friend and wishing he had the courage to actually approach a female. Talk to him. Seriously, make the first move. If he's with a friend, grab your friend and go in for the attack. These guys (if you can spot them and their not too deep in "Dude Mode") are low hanging fruit.

The Regulars (and there are 2 Kinds)

The Promoter: 

This one's easy. He's got a table full of women dressed in BEBE and a couple of dudes who don't look rich enough to be there (no nice suits, no ties, check the shoes).
Who to talk to: Any of the dudes. They'll all be quick to offer drinks. If you're having fun at your present location, get the promoter's #. Get on his list. If you're on a list you'll get texts Thurs-Saturday night about various events in the city. Don't stick around long. There's nothing for you here and the girls in these circles are usually a dime a dozen.

The Club Rats: 

These guys look far too at home. They're sprawled out at their table, eyeing the scene. They're wearing nice suit jackets and shirts that aren't buttoned up all the way.
Who to talk to: This is actually the hardest group. These guys, unless one of them is particularly attracted to you, has no interest in you. They know every girl is trolling for free drinks and they do this all the time and they've seen 10,000 girls who look just like you. Don't bother approaching this group, you are wasting your time. If they want you, they will come for you.

And remember, you can get in just about anywhere if you are a girl and do the following: Show up early & dress to impress.