The blog post that almost was.

I am a marketer. I can't help it. It's how my brain operates, it operated before I even understand that it was marketing. I dated guys who were in marketing. I called my company's marketing department almost weekly to see if they had specific materials for some new group I was trying to sell into. Now of course I understand that my ideas were actually terrible, but that's because I finally learned that marketing is more than stringing words together around a group organized by some socioeconomic determination. Okay, its also that but it's also what words, and what group

TLDR: I love marketing

 The reason I was going on about this is because after ignoring this blog for far too long, I saw there were a whole bunch of hits. Not a ton, but a couple hundred, and for something I haven't really put too much effort into, that felt pretty good. I also realized that my two most popular articles were about boys and dating. I realized that I was going to do a book review, but honestly, though I love reading, I don't really like writing about books that I've read. Most of the time I hate them or really don't think I have anything original to say. Also who am I to be criticizing? At least they wrote a damn book. Grrr...

TLDR: This blog will not be about books. I think I wrote a blog post about that once. Or I did and deleted it. Or I just dreamed doing it? I TLDR'd my TLDR...

Moral: I will write more about boys and clothes. Things I like anyway.

Oh wait, I'm in a relationship and I just moved to a super expensive apartment in BK and can't afford to blow a few hundred every month on clothing anymore. Sad. Maybe I will just write about books...


PS I'm now 28. Ouch.

A Guide for Writing Scams

Part of my job is to check our general email inbox. At present I have over 52,000 unread emails but rather than deal with that pile of muck, I am instead going to share one of the many junk emails I get because I think they are hilarious:
Also, if you are a scammer, please read this post, you may find some useful advice.
    

FROM OFFICE OF THE WESTERN UNION BONUS ORGANIZER. 

aka Mrs.Jane Arumba. <info@zoo-heidelberg.de>

First of all, if you're going to scam people, shouldn't your fake email at least look like it might slightly relate to whatever scam you're running?

ADDRESS; 965 IVORIAN TOWERS,AVE. 

Oh, yeah, that seems legit

PARAKOU.BENIN REP.
I wasn't totally sure, but yes, this actually a place.

Attn:cUSTOMER, 

Is a little proof-reading/ spell check too much to ask?


This is to inform you about the latest development concerning your (UNCLAIMED)payment which was left in our custody for sometime now.
Sometime? But you're not sure when? 


We understood that you where given a bill of ( $195 ) or so, in order to receive your payment of which you couldn't as at then for one reason or other.
No words.


Hence, Our Western Union ( Department ) of the funds holding bank is now offering a Special BONUS to help you in receiving all your payment in our custody. Now in other words we are now requesting you to just pay only $89,to receive your FUNDS left in our custody since.
WOW! What a bargain! Only $89 and I have MY MONEY???? Also you still seem unclear exactly how long you have had this money. Just make up a date. Stick to it. 


Beside,this is the last opportunity for you to get your FUNDS and you are advised to comply and you will start getting your funds ( $10,000 ) per day 2 x 1,totaling ($890.600.00 ) 

Is that a threat? I am advised to comply. That sounds vaguely like a threat. Also 10,000 x 2 x 1 does not equal that number. 

"Note" that after (3 DAYS) you did not make the payment then we will convert the funds to Government pause as the law stipulated it here or totally cancellation of payment.
Oh no! They're going to give my funds to Government!! Is that the Marxist Republic government of Bernin? Or some other thing?

Again after ( 2 weeks) of this BONUS We shall enter a new project for the year and that was the reason we are offering this help to you. 

I'm not even sure what you're going for here. 


So you are advised to send the ( $89 ) immediately so that we can key in your payment in our PAYMENT DATA BASE to enable you to start receiving it from tomorrow.
At least this number is staying consistent


After the payment of $89 you will start receiving your money every day ($5,000 X 2 ) through Western Union Or Money Gram preferably by you ( $10,000 ) until the full payment of $890.600.00 is completed. So what you will be receiving per day is ($10,000.)
Didn't we just talk about keeping #"s consistent?


Please re-confirm and forward the below info., to the paying officer to avoid wrong transfer :

Contact Officer: Mr.Melvin Udah,( Area Director, Western Union Dept.) Email; XXXX@yahoo.com.hk / XXXX@yahoo.fr 

I actually deleted the real emails, just in case someone tries to steal my $890.600.00

Tel:+229 66 784 146


Confirm below Info of yours to him, to avoid any wrong transfer.
Sure!


Receivers Name BlogWriter, Age 27 Address What for? Tel # Are you really going to call me from Africa? ======,Occupation/Position Why on earth do you care? Country Didn't we cover this? Text,Question Again, why are you asking for this?

Answer==========Scan Copy of Any identification Ohhh, now I see. You're going to try and steal my identity. Clever clever. But, having read this, I honestly wonder what value my identity would possibly have to you. 

Seriously, this is actually a question for me. What are you hoping to get out of this? What's your end game? Do these things ever work? I mean, they must sometimes because I keep getting this emails, but don't you think you should have some stronger call to action?

Don't get my occupation. Ask me to send you the $89. Seriously, I've never understood this. 

Anyway, if anyone knows why these scammers try it this way, can you write and let me know? I am honestly curious.
Yours Faithfully. 

Awwww.

Mrs.Jane Arumba.

WESTERN UNION BONUS ORGANIZER.

WESTERN UNION AREA OFFICE BENIN REPUBLIC.

Again, points for consistency.

Refinery29, one of my go-to blogs, just posted possibly the worst article on "Eligible Bachelors in NYC" that I have ever read.

Let me preface this by saying that dating in NYC is hard. I can only speak from from heteronormative female perspective but I've never heard anyone, gay, straight, male or female, say "Oh yeah, dating in NYC and then finding someone serious is REALLY easy."
I dated for two years. I can't count how many dates I went on, First Dates, Third Dates, Bad Dates, Great Dates. I've had my heart broken, and I may have broken a heart or two.

After two years I met someone truly fantastic and I'm really happy, but it was A LOT of work. Seriously, for awhile it was like having a part time job. A 10+ hr a week commitment. And honestly, I was much more into dating than I was into having a boyfriend.

Dating is easy. Everyone goes on dates. Everyone is looking for a date. Key word: Date. Reading through this article reminded me of exactly why dating is so impossible. I've pulled some of my favorite quotes and then offered my own translations.


Name: TJ Allers
Age: 32
Location: New York
Job Title: Public Relations Director
Sexual Preference: Heartbeat

"I am spontaneous, sometimes to a fault, I avoid drama, and I like to keep things simple…nothing worse than overcomplicating."

Translation: I am always late. Always. And don't point it out, because that will be drama. Also, I'm not really sure I'm looking for a "relationship" because that sounds like making a plan. I don't like those. How can I spontaneously check out another person w/ a heart beat if you're watching me??

Name: David Yarus
Age: 26
Location: NYC
Job Title: General Manager, Mr Youth
Sexual Preference: Ladies

What do you look for in a significant other?

"A partner-in-crime. A best friend. Someone who's doing her thing and supports me doing mine. Someone to share and explore the world with. Someone who appreciates the beauty in everything. Is easy-going. Laid-back. And, can make any situation into a good time."

Uhmm, did you copy and paste this out of your JDate profile?


What are three things a potential significant other should know about you?

"-I'm a hopeless romantic. Really.
-I don't play games. And, I don't like people who do!
-I keep kosher and observe shabbat. #Jewish."

Wait, is that a hashtag. Did you really have to Hashtag Jewish? #NoJustNo

Also anyone who says they don't play games is lying.

What's the biggest problem with dating in NYC?

"I'm all about quality over quantity. Living in the city, you can go on a date every night. But at the end of the day, it only takes one. The most beautiful, down-to-earth, all around awesome one. Like a needle in a haystack, in a city so big, where is she?"

Translation: I will never be satisfied. No matter how great you are, I believe there is probably someone better. Being in this article hasn't helped either, because now my ego will be totally out of control huge.

Name: Nary Manivong
Age: 30
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Job Title: Fashion Designer for my brand, Nary Manivong
Sexual preference: Girls, Girls, Girls

Disclaimer: I thought this guy was pretty cool. Like, maybe you could actually date him? Then I kept reading.

What's the biggest problem with dating in NYC?

"The biggest problem with dating in NYC is that people aren’t looking to settle down. Everyone puts their career first in order to be successful. NYC has a different standard when it comes to dating, a very high standard. I grew up in Ohio so it took some getting used to. Plus there is too much eye candy here!"

Translation: There's a lot of eye candy. 'Nuff said

I could keep going, but honestly, I think I've made my point and I'm just depressing myself.

So I will end with this(my favorite):

Name: Kyle Hotchkiss Carone
Age: 26
Job Title: Partner at Cole's Greenwich Village and Co-Founder of Host Committee

What do you look for in a significant other? "Long hair, an accent, narcissism."

I don't even know where to begin. Well, long hair. Okay. Sure. 

An accent? Do you mean like Long Island or were you thinking like British? And if British, London or country? So many questions. Either way, I don't have an accent so I guess despite my long hair we won't date. 

Oh wait, was that last quality again. Narcissism? So you want a girl who stares at herself so long in a mirror that she starves herself. Hmm, you know, I bet that does exist somewhere in NYC. It is NYC after all.

So when you meet this long-haired British waif, where will you take her on a date?

"I don't really go on dates. But if I did I would go to the bar at my restaurant, The Bottle Room at Cole's...it's a separate space off the dining room that is just detached enough that you don't feel like you are on a date. It's a place to 'grab drinks'. If it's not going well that can be one drink, if it is going well our maitre'd will read between the lines and offer you a table in the dining room to keep the night going."

Let me get this straight. You are going to take the date to you restaurant. Wait, don't you work there? Yes?  And you and the maitre'd have some secret code where he knows if you want a table or not? Well, that's weird.
Basically what you're telling me is that you're so cheap you will take me to a place where you eat and drink free, where I will feel incredibly uncomfortable because you know everyone and I know I am being judged from all angles. 

Well, that sounds like a GREAT date. So as long as you and I are enjoying each other's company so very much, what should I not talk about.

What are your biggest turn-on/offs?

"Talking about relationships."

...After free drinks you're just going to lead me back to your apartment and try to take my clothes off, aren't you? Quick question, will you at least pay for my cab home? No? It's 'cause I don't have an accent, isn't it?