Sunday, March 24, 2013

Refinery29, one of my go-to blogs, just posted possibly the worst article on "Eligible Bachelors in NYC" that I have ever read.

Let me preface this by saying that dating in NYC is hard. I can only speak from from heteronormative female perspective but I've never heard anyone, gay, straight, male or female, say "Oh yeah, dating in NYC and then finding someone serious is REALLY easy."
I dated for two years. I can't count how many dates I went on, First Dates, Third Dates, Bad Dates, Great Dates. I've had my heart broken, and I may have broken a heart or two.

After two years I met someone truly fantastic and I'm really happy, but it was A LOT of work. Seriously, for awhile it was like having a part time job. A 10+ hr a week commitment. And honestly, I was much more into dating than I was into having a boyfriend.

Dating is easy. Everyone goes on dates. Everyone is looking for a date. Key word: Date. Reading through this article reminded me of exactly why dating is so impossible. I've pulled some of my favorite quotes and then offered my own translations.

Name: TJ Allers
Age: 32
Location: New York
Job Title: Public Relations Director
Sexual Preference: Heartbeat

"I am spontaneous, sometimes to a fault, I avoid drama, and I like to keep things simple…nothing worse than overcomplicating."

Translation: I am always late. Always. And don't point it out, because that will be drama. Also, I'm not really sure I'm looking for a "relationship" because that sounds like making a plan. I don't like those. How can I spontaneously check out another person w/ a heart beat if you're watching me??

Name: David Yarus
Age: 26
Location: NYC
Job Title: General Manager, Mr Youth
Sexual Preference: Ladies

What do you look for in a significant other?

"A partner-in-crime. A best friend. Someone who's doing her thing and supports me doing mine. Someone to share and explore the world with. Someone who appreciates the beauty in everything. Is easy-going. Laid-back. And, can make any situation into a good time."

Uhmm, did you copy and paste this out of your JDate profile?

What are three things a potential significant other should know about you?

"-I'm a hopeless romantic. Really.
-I don't play games. And, I don't like people who do!
-I keep kosher and observe shabbat. #Jewish."

Wait, is that a hashtag. Did you really have to Hashtag Jewish? #NoJustNo

Also anyone who says they don't play games is lying.

What's the biggest problem with dating in NYC?

"I'm all about quality over quantity. Living in the city, you can go on a date every night. But at the end of the day, it only takes one. The most beautiful, down-to-earth, all around awesome one. Like a needle in a haystack, in a city so big, where is she?"

Translation: I will never be satisfied. No matter how great you are, I believe there is probably someone better. Being in this article hasn't helped either, because now my ego will be totally out of control huge.

Name: Nary Manivong
Age: 30
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Job Title: Fashion Designer for my brand, Nary Manivong
Sexual preference: Girls, Girls, Girls

Disclaimer: I thought this guy was pretty cool. Like, maybe you could actually date him? Then I kept reading.

What's the biggest problem with dating in NYC?

"The biggest problem with dating in NYC is that people aren’t looking to settle down. Everyone puts their career first in order to be successful. NYC has a different standard when it comes to dating, a very high standard. I grew up in Ohio so it took some getting used to. Plus there is too much eye candy here!"

Translation: There's a lot of eye candy. 'Nuff said

I could keep going, but honestly, I think I've made my point and I'm just depressing myself.

So I will end with this(my favorite):

Name: Kyle Hotchkiss Carone
Age: 26
Job Title: Partner at Cole's Greenwich Village and Co-Founder of Host Committee
What do you look for in a significant other? "Long hair, an accent, narcissism."

I don't even know where to begin. Well, long hair. Okay. Sure. 

An accent? Do you mean like Long Island or were you thinking like British? And if British, London or country? So many questions. Either way, I don't have an accent so I guess despite my long hair we won't date. 
Oh wait, was that last quality again. Narcissism? So you want a girl who stares at herself so long in a mirror that she starves herself. Hmm, you know, I bet that does exist somewhere in NYC. It is NYC after all.

So when you meet this long-haired British waif, where will you take her on a date?
"I don't really go on dates. But if I did I would go to the bar at my restaurant, The Bottle Room at Cole''s a separate space off the dining room that is just detached enough that you don't feel like you are on a date. It's a place to 'grab drinks'. If it's not going well that can be one drink, if it is going well our maitre'd will read between the lines and offer you a table in the dining room to keep the night going."

Let me get this straight. You are going to take the date to you restaurant. Wait, don't you work there? Yes?  And you and the maitre'd have some secret code where he knows if you want a table or not? Well, that's weird.
Basically what you're telling me is that you're so cheap you will take me to a place where you eat and drink free, where I will feel incredibly uncomfortable because you know everyone and I know I am being judged from all angles. 

Well, that sounds like a GREAT date. So as long as you and I are enjoying each other's company so very much, what should I not talk about.

What are your biggest turn-on/offs?

"Talking about relationships."

...After free drinks you're just going to lead me back to your apartment and try to take my clothes off, aren't you? Quick question, will you at least pay for my cab home? No? It's 'cause I don't have an accent, isn't it?

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