Saturday, March 23, 2013

The Every Girl's Guide to Clubbing in NYC

I have been going to "Clubs" in NYC since I was about 17. I had a friend who was (and remains) actively involved in the "scene" and he would take me to various events through college. I remember the first time I went without him and I was shocked that asking for ID's was actually thing. Luckily I was 21 by then, but before that I had no idea why people talked about fakes like it was such a big deal.

 These days I have a friend who likes to go clubbing and so I will go with her. I am too old(27), too short(5'8), and too fat(I weigh more than 120 lbs), for that other friends current crop of women. And no, I don't have a problem with my body. I think I look far better at 27 then I did at 21 but the fact remains that while I could pass for 24/25, I am not 22 anymore. Also, I don't want to be one of those "girls." "Going out" in NYC is not an adventure to be undertaken lightly.

On Sex and the City the women always managed to get into the hottest bars and clubs without issue and once inside they would be surrounded by only the most beautiful people in the city, all in their late 20's to 30's.

It's not like that.

First of all, "the hottest clubs" won't take girls/women over 25. Even a group of women. Miranda? No way. And Samantha? She'd be more twice the age of any other girl there. Possibly even three times as old as some of the younger attendees. Yes, there are 15 yr old models roaming the floor. That's not saying "it's impossible" to get into these places. There are shortcuts. Befriend promoters and doormen. Go early. Have a group of friends go in on a bottle or a table- make sure the ratios are at least 3:1 girls over boys. Make sure the girls are "hot."

Hot= Tall (5'7+ and wearing 3"+ of heel), pretty (or at least caked heavily in makeup), thin or curvy (thin preferred). That's not to say all girls look like this. If they're attached to a table or are friends w/ a promoter, or they pay the cover, then they can get in.

Guys: Doesn't matter as long as they're paying(a lot.)

If you're a girl and you don't fill the above "Hot" requirements, you can get in, just expect to pay guy prices. What? This sounds like a horrible, cruel, self-aggrandized system? It is!

Clubbing sucks. Oh, did I forget to mention that part? Yeah, clubbing really, truly sucks. I should know, I've done it enough. I've done it at high end places, and I've been where everyone and anyone can get in. I've waited in line and I've been walked in by the owner. I realize that saying it sucks followed by pointing out how often I've done it, doesn't exactly lend weight to my cause that I hate it, but that's not really the point.

There is some measure of thrill and excitement about going clubbing. There's the fight to get in. Well, battle. To be fought with coy looks and credit cards. Find the right person at the door, and you won't pay a dime. Piss off the wrong person, and you will wait for hours in the cold (in very high heels and a short skirt.) Okay, the latter hasn't actually happened to me because I refuse to wait and will just go somewhere else. It's NYC, there is always some place where loud music is playing and over-priced drinks are being served, where you can get in.

Then there is the fun that takes place inside. My favorite game to play is: Don't buy self any drinks. If you're dressed right and look the part, there will be multiple offers of tables where drinks will be liberally poured. Oh, and just a word to the wise. Watch the drink get poured. Unless you know and trust the person, don't just take some drink that gets handed to you. I find a well stocked table to be your best option for getting drinks because the pours will be liberal and the line to the bottle is a lot shorter than at the bar.

The downside to taking a drink from a table is that then a man may feel that he has partial ownership of you. For at least the evening. I feel that a drink is worth a conversation. Not more. Especially if drinks run dry at the table. Then move on. Most of the time, these guys aren't looking for a date. Or a real girl. At least not at a club. If they're any type of quality they don't want to date some girl they met at a club. Never mind if you are a fantastic human being, they will assume the worst about you, just as you will assume the worst about them. Disclaimer: I have dated one guy I met at a club. And he was a really nice guy, but our relationship definitely kicked off under false pretenses and never recovered.

About this ownership thing. I know too many girls who will then stick by the guy because of the one drink. No. It's okay. You can walk away. Unless you really like the guy. Or think he's really cute. Or really want to hook up with him that night. Otherwise, walk away. If you stick around too long, you are actually doing yourself more harm than good.

How? Well, if you're not planning on going home with him that night, you are now officially a cock block. And the guy hasn't bought you dinner yet, which means that unless you want to piss him off (maybe his ex offered you $200 to make sure he goes home alone) take your drink and go. By all means, exchange numbers. Make out a bit if the mood moves you. But otherwise, move along. He'll appreciate what you're doing. Because trust me, he hasn't dropped $1000+ to flirt a bit. And if he's a serious club rat, then he's really not interested in a new table fixture.

There are two types of tables at clubs. The regulars and the "Guy's Night Out." Oh, there are girl's nights out too, but stay away from those unless you want a cat fight. Seriously, save your hair extensions from pulling, and stay away.

Guy's night out: 

These guys look out of place. They have way more dudes than girls. There will be one who's in charge. The Night Out was probably his idea. Often times it's hedge funders or tech guys, they made a bunch of money and are looking to blow it. There are either a couple of girls or no girls at their tables. If there are girls, they are probably way underdressed and staring around uncomfortably. Their boyfriend/husband invited them and now he is talking to his coworkers and completely ignoring her and she feels weird, awkward, and way way underdressed. And she is worried that her boyfriend is checking out every scantily clad woman that comes within five feet of their table.

Who to talk to: Not the guy being celebrated. He'll be wasted. Not the guy who's in charge. He's in major Alpha dog mode and is way to distracted making sure his boys have a good time to pay attention to you. Look for the guy on the fringes. He's probably talking to a friend and wishing he had the courage to actually approach a female. Talk to him. Seriously, make the first move. If he's with a friend, grab your friend and go in for the attack. These guys (if you can spot them and their not too deep in "Dude Mode") are low hanging fruit.

The Regulars (and there are 2 Kinds)

The Promoter: 

This one's easy. He's got a table full of women dressed in BEBE and a couple of dudes who don't look rich enough to be there (no nice suits, no ties, check the shoes).
Who to talk to: Any of the dudes. They'll all be quick to offer drinks. If you're having fun at your present location, get the promoter's #. Get on his list. If you're on a list you'll get texts Thurs-Saturday night about various events in the city. Don't stick around long. There's nothing for you here and the girls in these circles are usually a dime a dozen.

The Club Rats: 

These guys look far too at home. They're sprawled out at their table, eyeing the scene. They're wearing nice suit jackets and shirts that aren't buttoned up all the way.
Who to talk to: This is actually the hardest group. These guys, unless one of them is particularly attracted to you, has no interest in you. They know every girl is trolling for free drinks and they do this all the time and they've seen 10,000 girls who look just like you. Don't bother approaching this group, you are wasting your time. If they want you, they will come for you.

And remember, you can get in just about anywhere if you are a girl and do the following: Show up early & dress to impress.

No comments:

Post a Comment